


Heroes' Villain

by Happers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Angst, Author has not read a Vision of Shadows, Gen, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Ivypool becomes Loki, Possible OOC Ivypool, Reincarnation, Sibling Love, So much angst, Sorta unhealthy sibling love, The author regrets this but not at the same time, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 22:02:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11045223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Happers/pseuds/Happers
Summary: Ivypool regrets living.She betrayed her Clan, it's only right she suffers.Ivypool does not regret dying.Meeting that fox feels like fate.She never expected to wake up. Why isn't her nose working?





	Heroes' Villain

**Author's Note:**

> Author has not read A Vision of Shadows. I apologize for any OoC Ivypool. However, this is how I feel she should be represented in the books.

When Ivypool dies, it seems logical and anticlimactic. Expected.

She had not hoped to live this long. Not after the sins she committed, the soul she murdered. It was, she had reflected once upon a time, a fitting punishment. A guilty conscience punishes more harshly than the sharpest of claws.

Ivypool regrets while living. She regrets killing Antpelt (sometimes she wakes up feeling the tang of blood in her mouth, yet nothing is there when she looks), she regrets ever doubting her Clan, her sister. Ivypool loves Dovewing more than anything else in the world, and most of all she regrets hurting her.

She works her paws off every day, wishing with all her heart that perhaps these efforts (late, too late) might make up for even a fraction of the hurt that she caused.

(But then she sees Dustpelt, crying out his grief for Ferncloud, or Brackenfur, silently mourning Sorreltail, or motherless kits, and she wants to be the one taking Hollyleaf’s place once again. It’s still selfish of her because Hollyleaf died a noble warrior’s death, getting a chance to atone for her own wrongs, and Ivypool would take that for her own.)

(Even knowing this, she dreams of it anyway.)

Ivypool does not regret whilst dying.

Her disgrace still scratches at her, reminding her that this is too soon, that she had not earned freedom yet, but-

Ivypool still does not run when she sees the fox during a night walk. (It’s a rare night when she can catch sleep in between the nightmares.)

A silly, young part of her sings that this is fate, and she wants to agree with it. Her contrition disputes it, yet it is overridden by the heavy tiredness weighing on Ivypool’s soul.  
Perhaps this was StarClan telling her that they had deemed her unredeemable.

She doesn’t care. It might stop the faint glimmer of desire for forgiveness, for redemption.

Ivypool does not fight the darkness as it closes in on her, except for the brief flare of panic. (She doesn’t like the dark anymore.)

She’s bleeding out in the grass, thankful that it was made quick, and most of all she regrets the fact that Dovewing will mourn.

With a sigh that turns into a gurgle at the gaping wound in her throat, she prepares for nothing.  
~~~~~  
Why was she ever afraid of the dark? It is… comforting. There is a steady rhythm beating next to her, lulling her gently in and out of sleep.  
Ivypool… is that her name?

Yes, Ivypool drifts there, she does not know how long. She only knows that it is the tranquil she has felt since living in the nursery with her sister.  
With a faint breath, she drifts off again, not registering the fact that spirits shouldn’t be able to breathe.  
~~~~~  
Ivypool’s awakening is a rude one. Something shakes her, squeezing, and she cannot help but struggle, memories of being pinned down and helpless flooding her-  
~~~~~  
Ivypool comes into this world in a blizzard of ice and snow. It stings her pelt (but why is it so bare) and the chill works itself inside of her. (Why does it feel like it belongs there?)

The smell in the air feels vaguely familiar and she sniffs, frustrated at it being so incredibly faint. Her nose must not be working properly and it is a terrifying thought.  
Something dull rings out and once again she is swallowed by unconsciousness.  
~~~~~  
It takes a while for Ivypool to figure anything out. At first, she does not know what the ever-present faintly orange blur is. It keeps making strange sounds, and Ivypool is driven up the wall by not understanding.

In a fit of pique, she does her best to imitate one of the often-spoken words, a word that seems to be associated with another, much smaller and much louder (annoying) blob.

Ivypool’s first word is “Thor.”

She does not understand the sudden loudness that erupts when she does so. She catalogues down the reaction, finding it aggravating, and resolves not to do that again.

Approximately three days later, Ivypool find out her eyesight is better than she thought it was because she recognized that the Big Blob is a Twoleg.

The knowledge of being a kittypet sits bitter on her tongue.

However, that is nothing compared to the feeling inside of her chest when she realizes that she might be a Twoleg too.  
~~~~~  
It takes Ivypool a while to calm down after this momentous discovery. Taking deep breaths in an effort to make herself relax, she starts to think of what she should do.  
Observe and listen, she finally decides. She has to know what she’s dealing with.  
~~~~~  
Loki, Frigga muses, is a strange child. He seems constantly baffled by the world around him, wide-eyed and surprised at the smallest of things. After speaking his first word (of all the things to say, his brother’s name…) he does not speak again, instead remaining silent, only sometimes making gurgling sounds as if to practice the syllables of their language.

When she remarks on these odd little things to her husband, Odin merely grunts and replies that it must be foreign nature. Internally, Frigga disagrees.

Loki may not be hers in the way that most of the world views it, yet she is still his mother. She knows it is merely her son’s uniqueness manifesting in its own way.  
~~~~~  
It takes a while for Ivypool to adjust to this strange new world. It takes a while for her to accept rainbow bridges as normal and roasted bilgesnipe with honey as run-of-the-mill. Funnily enough, these things are easier to grasp than, say, reading.  
It is such an ingenious system, composed of runes, simple scratches on paper, yet telling the reader everything they need to know. She buries herself in books, greedily drinking the knowledge from within them.

Magic fascinates her. She spends hours upon hours in the library, learning its secrets and tricks. The first time she successfully performs a spell, she feels as if she could fly away on wings of euphoria. (Never mind that she got yelled at for blowing up an entire wing of the castle with a minor explosive charm. She had managed to make it better because sometimes the way the spells were written was just bad. The ones who wrote them didn’t seem to understand the essence of magic, the way its particles could have a mind of their own and be directed.)

She is happy, most of the time.

The times when she is not are when someone addresses her as “Sir” or “Prince.” There is a distinct sense of discomfort that comes from being viewed as male, though she has learned to hide it.

Once she went to Mother in an attempt to make sense of it. (Not mom, not ever, that would always be Whitewing.) She had asked her why everyone thought she was a boy when she was really a girl.

Mother had looked at her with confused eyes, but she was there as a well of comfort and sympathy. Ivypool took what she could get.

There are times when she misses her old family so much it hurts. Not just her family, her Clan, the entirety of ThunderClan (for they are family, are they not?).

Separation from Dovewing hurts the most. She remembers her sister’s smiling face and something inside her clenches with nostalgia and disgust at herself.

Those are the instances when she seeks out Thor.

Thor, her new light, her blinding joy in life.

A part of her feels as if she is replacing her sister, dishonoring her memory.

But Ivypool resolves to cherish the memories instead, doing everything she can to be the best sibling she can be this time around.

She accompanies him on his raids, fights by his side with her enchants protecting him while his friends sneer and call her a coward for using cheap tricks instead of true warrior skills.

It’s all worth it for his blinding smile, his blue eyes lighting up.

“You are a good brother, Loki!”

The gender feels a little less wrong, even if there is still something off about it.

For Thor though, she is always Loki.  
~~~~~  
Loki is three hundred and forty-four years old when she first successfully manages shape-shifting magic on an unthinkable level.

Her new physiology feels strange – she has never been a human woman and the shape feels alien.

Yet it is gratifying to walk (disguised) down the street and hear herself being referred to as a ‘she’.

When it is time to turn back, she finds that she hates her body and given sex a little less.  
~~~~~  
Loki dresses himself for the family feast. He allows his mind to wander, thinking of the next day when she will don a dress once more and frolic freely around the city.  
~~~~~  
Loki wakes up from a nightmare. There was darkness, Hawkfrost and Brokenstar glaring at er with cruel eyes, and then they were all swallowed in an icy blizzard.

She wonders at the significance of snow, and why its presence comforts her despite her terror.  
~~~~~  
Loki refers to herself with a different pronoun every few days now.

Being a male is not so frightening now, not as long as it’s temporary.

Most of the time, she wants to twist her skin, feeling as if her gender, her very shape, doesn’t belong in it. Sometimes, she gives into the impulse. (But only when no one sees her, when no one can judge her. Where Thor cannot find out her shame.)  
Yet it is not as bad as it used to be.

She supposes she should be ashamed. However, there is nothing but a bloom of pure joy in her chest. It is one of the first emotions she has felt on her own in a long time that did not make her want to crawl into a hole and never climb out. It is a novel and somewhat discomfiting sensation.  
~~~~~  
When Odin (or Father, she supposes) chooses to make Thor his successor, Loki feels the happiest she has in millennia. Perhaps she has not failed her sibling this time.

This thought makes her suspicious. Has she truly done ever correctly? Surely, a dirty soul like hers must try harder, give her life and very being for such a dream. She keeps her eyes open, praying that this time she has not made a mistake.

And then she sees it. Sees the way that Thor shouts at and threatens an innocent peasant that dared not address him the correct way. Sees the way he drinks his way through taverns, not paying and having no regard for the owners or patrons. She becomes aware of how callously he treats everyone and she panics.

What would Thor’s rule as king entail? Just how much would he turn Asgard’s citizens against himself? How many pointless wars would he start?

Thor might become happy, but Loki realizes with a cold sense of dread that he will be hated. She remembers her own experiences (so long ago, yet still clear as day) and balks. No, there is nothing worse than being hates or worse, an unclean conscience.  
She cannot let Thor experience that. Not in a thousand years, a million years, never. 

Loki is almost a thousand years old, yet she will always be Ivypool. She has always had a good memory and Ivypool’s experiences are not easily forgotten.  
She forces herself to stop, to not let anxiety and fear consume her. What must she do?

She cannot let Thor become king. Not now, at least. The realization comes to her in a fit of clarity, and it makes her stomach churn.  
(If she had just seen this sooner, just been more observant, hadn’t thought she was forgiven of all the silly things-)

She straightens her back, taking a deep breath. She must see Odi- Father about this, have him see reason.

She will be brave and manage this without breaking down.

Loki turns and makes his way to his father’s chambers, intent on presenting his point in a clear and concise manner, impossible to dispute.

Instead, his father’s rejection (“Stop trying to take power for yourself!”) come harder than a slap.

Loki teleports out of the conversation and into her rooms.

He locks the door, and then finally she cries silent tears.  
~~~~~  
She is desperate. She must help her brother.

She remembers why Dovewing became so loved, why she was so wonderful – she was a hero. She knew what protecting the innocent meant.

But a hero cannot be without a villain.

How could she make Thor a hero without giving him a villain?

Then all of a sudden she realizes that this is the ultimate sacrifice to make.

Sacrificing your life? Yes, she would so do.

But she would not have the freedom of death of this time.

Redemption would forever be out of her grasp. It shatters the tiny part of Ivypo- Loki that still held hope. She squeezes her eyes. She will not cry again. She will take on the role the universe has chosen for her, however much it might sting.  
Loki prepares to let the Frost Giants into Asgard, just on time to interrupt the upcoming coronation.  
~~~~~  
Convincing Thor to go to Jotunheim isn’t hard. In fact, she feels just a flicker of shame that it is so easy. She should have taught him how dangerous words can be.  
~~~~~  
It is only nearly a millennium of training that prevents Loki from throwing up when she learns that she is a Frost Giant.

She remembers dreams of howling ice and a sick, twisted urge makes her bark out a sharp laugh.

She was never meant to be the perfect sibling. She can see that now.

(Thor has always despised Frost Giants. It is selfish of her, but she does not want him to know.)  
~~~~~  
Loki’s entire being screams when Thor is banished. He reminds himself that it is not permanent.  
~~~~~  
Loki has always known, in a distant corner of his mind, that Odin’s love for him is questionable. It does not explain the feeling of disappointment in his sternum.  
~~~~~  
When Loki sends the Destroyer onto Midgard, he has to remind himself that Thor will beat it. He has to force himself not to recall it at several different times, and when Thor finally regains his powers, proving he is worthy, Loki’s entire being sings with joy and relief.

(She still regrets.)  
~~~~~  
Loki has done it. She has made her brother a hero, a worthy king.

She looks up into Thor’s kind blue eyes and feels a surge of glee.

She is all too aware of the abyss below.

She captures this moment in her memory forever, her brother’s firm hold on her arm.

Thor’s face shifts into Dovewing’s for a second, and Ivypool says goodbye to them both.

She lets go and something inside her psyche breaks irreparably.

(She hopes that she does not come back again. She isn’t sure whether she could manage to play the villain again before becoming one.)

**Author's Note:**

> ...comment anyone? Give me lovely feedback? Please?


End file.
